ScreenPlay

From reading out my screenplay to a group of people, I have gained some constructive criticism in order to make my screenplay better.

Someone said that the beginning of my screenplay is humorous and goes well with my story but that humour isn’t present through to the end so I may add more comedy to the rest of my screenplay.

I was told that I need to describe one of my characters more so that everyone gets a feel of what kind of person she is and what she looks like so I will add more description.  

In the beginning of the screenplay I have involved a voice that speaks to the girl Emily. I was told that I should add more lines for this voice throughout the screenplay because it makes the story better and more entertaining.  

I will add all of these things to my screenplay to make it better and worth a higher grade.

Review On Questionnaire Results

From the primary research I have gathered by questionnaire, I can see that my plot is suitable for the ages 13-35, which is good because that is my target audience. Some said that it would appeal more to female and to make it appeal to more male I will need to add more technical description and more action. The genre I chose to do was reflected by the plot I wrote as my questionnaire audience said that they agree that the genre of the plot is sci-fi/thriller and adventure. Films that they have seen that sound familiar to mine I will have to watch to get a better feel to the feeling I want to portray. I will also look at the libel for these films to make sure I don’t copyright.
The films and programs I will watch are:
-Tron
-Matrix
-And an episode of ‘Dr Who’: ‘The girl who waited’
I am going to make my plot better by not ending it predictable, adding an interesting twist to it and expand more on what she goes through in the portal and adding more technical explanations.

Questionnaire and Results

This is a questionnaire I gave out and the results I recieved.

Hi. I’m currently doing research on screen writing for my media coursework. Could you please answer these questions to help me.

This is the plot I have written for a short film that will last 10minutes. Can you read it and answer the questions please.

The girl sees an advertisement for computer software that allows people to go into an environment that they can create. When she gets home she goes into the game and has fun doing things that she loves with no worry’s. When she looks at her watch she decides to leave the virtual world. When she gets to the portal in the virtual world, it isn’t working; it is shut down from the outside. What had been 5hours to her was 5 days in real life. Her parents don’t know where she has gone. They closed down the ‘computer’ on the same day she disappeared not realising it is actually the portal from the virtual world she was in, to the real world. Later just before the parents move out of the house the computer gets put into the basement with a load of other stuff and years later when new people move in, they discover the computer and whilst learning how to use it they turn it on and go inside the girl’s game. The come across the girl, recognising her from news reports as ‘missing’. Then they take her to the portal and bring her back into the real world. They then help her find her parents and it’s happily ever after.

REPLY 1: What do you think the target audience will be for this film?

FEMALE

5-12       13-17     18-25     26-35     26-35     36-50     50>

Does this film sound like the genre ‘sci-fi/thriller and adventure’? Give reasons.

­­YES

The mention of a virtual world, and a portal would suggest it being a sci-fi.

Does the plot remind you of another book/ film that you have read/ watched? If so could you    please give the name of the book/film. 

 TRON

Are there any other comments you would like to make that you think will help me with my research?

If it helps, for it to appeal to the Male genre, one would have to include more technical descriptions.

Reply 2: What do you think the target audience will be for this film?

Male                      Female

5-12       13-17     18-25     26-35     26-35     36-50     50>

Does this film sound like the genre ‘sci-fi/thriller and adventure’? Give reasons.

 Yes        No

If it has the right amount of action/ adventure with a fun aspect it could be.

Does the plot remind you of another book/ film that you have read/ watched? If so could you please give the name of the book/film.

Tron

Is there any other comments you would like to make that you think will help me with my research?

I think the end needs to be better- if the girl was trapped and time was faster in the real world it would be better if by the time she was rescued her parents were dead but she found her parents other daughter and they took her in as their daughter/sister etc.

REPLY 3: What do you think the target audience will be for this film?

Male                      Female

5-12       13-17     18-25     26-35     36-50     50>

Does this film sound like the genre ‘sci-fi/thriller and adventure’? Give reasons.

 Yes        No

I would say that this sounds like Sci Fi Adenture, As it is taking you to a new world but at the same time you get some adventure in the escaping from the portal

Does the plot remind you of another book/ film that you have read/ watched? If so could you please give the name of the book/film.

This sounds a bit like the matrix and also a recent episode of Doctor Who called The Girl who Waited

Is there any other comments you would like to make that you think will help me with my research?

Sounds like the sort of film I would enjoy, my one suggestion would be to expand a little on what she goes through in the Portal.

Developed Film Idea

The girl sees an advertisement for computer software that allows people to go into an environment that they can create. When she gets home that evening  she goes into the game and has fun doing things that she loves with no worries. When she looks at her watch she decides to leave the virtual world. When she gets to the portal in the virtual world, it isn’t working; it is shut down from the outside. What had been 5hours to her was 5 days in real life. 

Her parents don’t know where she has gone. They closed down the ‘computer’ on the same day she disappeared not realising it is actually the portal from the virtual world she was in, to the real world. The same night the girl and her mum had a typical teenage argument and the mum thought she ran away from her so the mother never forgave herself.

Later just before the parents move out of the house the computer gets put into the basement with a load of other stuff and years later when new people move in, they discover the computer and whilst learning how to use it they turn it on and go inside the girls game. The come across the girl, recognising her from news reports as ‘missing’. Then they take her to the portal and bring her back into the real world. They then help her find her mum who  was in hospital very old and ill. They get re-united just minutes before the mother dies happily.